Leaving a narcissistic relationship is one of the hardest things I see clients have to do, and the reasons behind this are as complex as the relationship itself. It’s an often misunderstood process, one that you can’t truly understand if you haven’t been there. I hear loved ones wondering why somebody may stay or repeatedly return to the relationship, not fully understanding what it means to leave. The truth is, many factors come into play that make it incredibly difficult to leave a narcissistic relationship.
Studies show that, on average, people in abusive relationships make seven attempts to leave before they manage to sever the connection for good. While this statistic may surprise some, anyone who has experienced the emotional turmoil of a narcissistic relationship or toxic relationship can attest to how challenging it is to escape. One significant factor working against those trying to leave is the familiarity principle, and that is what we will cover in this post.
The familiarity principle is a psychological phenomenon where people gravitate toward the familiar, whether that be people, situations, and environments. We do this even if they’re not safe or healthy. Our brains are wired to prefer what we know because it feels predictable, even if it’s harmful. Essentially, we find comfort in what’s familiar, and this applies to relationships as well.
In a narcissistic relationship, this effect plays out in painful ways. Despite the manipulation, gaslighting, or even outright abuse, staying can feel safer than the unknown of leaving. Our brains, which naturally resist change, are biased toward familiarity because it’s less work for them. Your neurons have already created pathways based on your daily interactions with your partner, even if those interactions are negative. It becomes the “norm,” and any deviation from that routine can feel terrifying. This is amplified if the relationship feels familiar to previous dynamics in your life, such as your relationships with your parents, caregivers, or other important early figures in your life. Having emotionally immature parents, or toxic dynamics in your family of origin, can contribute to our brain’s desire for an emotionally immature parent.
The brain prefers to operate on autopilot whenever possible. For example, have you ever been driving and all of the sudden you pull into your driveway and think, “Wow, I’m home already?” This is because we have taken this path so many times that it becomes rote to our brain. This is the same phenomenon that our brain uses to justify staying in unhealthy places, relationships, and experiences in our life. It’s easier for your mind to continue repeating the same patterns because it doesn’t have to expend energy building new neural pathways. Leaving a toxic relationship would mean stepping into the unknown, uncharted territory that your brain isn’t equipped for. And uncertainty, above all, is one of the most challenging states for the brain to navigate.
This is why staying doesn’t always make logical sense to outsiders. But, to the person stuck in the cycle, staying often feels safer because it’s familiar even if it’s not emotionally or physically safe in the long run. This powerful psychological bias keeps many individuals, and many clients of mine, trapped far longer than they might want to be.
Understanding the familiarity principle can be a key step in breaking free from narcissistic abuse. It’s not the only step, and there certainly will be a long road ahead, but understanding that this principle exists and knowing that it’s not just that you’re “stuck”, can be helpful knowledge. It’s not just about walking away; it’s about reprogramming your brain to accept new pathways, thoughts, and behaviors. It’s hard work, but it’s possible. Therapy, support groups, and even self-awareness can help you start to break down the neural barriers that keep you trapped in the cycle of abuse.
Here are 5 grounded and trauma-informed tools to help you create more safety in your relationships:
1. Pattern Tracking & Naming
Why it helps: You bring awareness to the cycle, and this is the first step in disrupting it.
How to do it: Journal or voice record moments that feel familiar, even if they’re painful. Name the emotional pattern (e.g., “I feel small and responsible for someone else’s anger”) to begin seeing it as a conditioned response instead of a truth.
2. Nervous System Regulation Practices
Why it helps: Abuse often dysregulates the nervous system. Calming it creates space for clearer decision-making.
How to do it: Try grounding exercises like breathwork, vagal toning (e.g., humming, cold water splashes), or somatic shaking to discharge survival energy. These tools help your brain learn that safety doesn't have to come from the familiar.
3. Safe Relationship Repatterning
Why it helps: Neural pathways change when we experience different relational dynamics.
How to do it: Start identifying or nurturing relationships (friends, therapists, groups) that are marked by emotional safety, boundaries, and mutual respect. Even limited exposure to healthy connection helps us rewire what feels “normal.”
4. Daily Micro-Boundaries
Why it helps: Boundaries are unfamiliar and terrifying in trauma-bonded dynamics. Practicing them rewires identity around worth and agency.
How to do it: Start small. Saying no to a request, pausing before replying, or choosing to disengage from a triggering text are all acts that reinforce self-trust and gradually chip away at people pleasing responses.
5. Visualization of a New Internal Story
Why it helps: The brain doesn’t distinguish much between imagination and reality. Rehearsing new narratives opens new paths.
How to do it: Visualize the version of yourself who feels calm, empowered, and connected. Imagine how she speaks, sets boundaries, or exits a toxic space. You’re planting neurological seeds for real change.
The process of leaving might take several attempts, but each step brings you closer to building new, healthier neural connections. Ultimately, it’s about reclaiming your brain’s ability to adapt and thrive in healthier, safer environments. If this spoke to you, please reach out to me at alana@therapywithab.com to set up a consultation, or to connect with me further.