I know that being in and returning to toxic, unhealthy, abusive, or narcissistic relationships is crazy-making. But the thing is is that you’re NOT CRAZY. Your brain is literally in an addictive cycle of reward & punishment that is so difficult to release yourself from. Especially if you don’t have all the information, and are instead blaming yourself for being in these relationship cycles. Follow me on an explanation of how the brain’s reward system plays a significant role in our relationship choices.
When we engage in positive interactions with others, whether through acts of kindness, shared experiences, or emotional support, our brain responds by releasing neurotransmitters such as dopamine and oxytocin.
Dopamine is often associated with pleasure and reward. Its release creates a sense of enjoyment and reinforces the behavior that led to the positive experience. Oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the "bonding hormone" or "love hormone," is associated with social bonding and attachment. It contributes to feelings of closeness and connection between individuals.
In healthy relationships, positive interactions trigger the release of these neurotransmitters, fostering a sense of closeness and strengthening the emotional bond between partners. This positive reinforcement contributes to the overall satisfaction and stability of the relationship.
However, in toxic relationships, a pattern known as intermittent reinforcement can come into play. This pattern involves alternating periods of positivity and negativity. This is extremely prominent in narcissistic abuse cycles (think love-bombing). During the positive phases, you may experience moments of joy, love, or validation. These positive experiences trigger the release of neurotransmitters, creating a sense of pleasure and bonding.
The challenge arises during the negative phases, where there may be conflicts, emotional abuse, or other harmful behaviors. Despite these negative experiences, the intermittent return to positive interactions creates a cycle that mimics addictive patterns. Your brain becomes conditioned to crave and seek out the positive moments, even if they are scarce or inconsistent.
This conditioning can lead you to stay in toxic relationships, hoping for and pursuing those fleeting positive moments while enduring the negative ones. Over time, this cycle can create a strong emotional dependency, making it difficult for you to break free from the toxic relationship despite its detrimental effects.
My hope is that understanding the role of the brain's reward system in relationship dynamics sheds light on why you might find it challenging to leave toxic relationships and emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing unhealthy patterns for overall well-being.
But you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to me today for 1:1 therapy & coaching on releasing toxic relationship patterns.