When people think of narcissism, they often picture someone loud, domineering, or overtly self‑absorbed. Yet many harmful narcissistic dynamics are far quieter. In families, one of the most difficult patterns to identify is covert (or vulnerable) narcissism, particularly when it appears in mothers and is expressed through chronic victimhood.
This article explores how covert narcissism can shape maternal relationships, how victimhood becomes a central organizing force in the family, and why daughters in particular, are often deeply affected. While the concepts discussed here are grounded in psychological research, the focus is on lived experience and emotional impact rather than diagnostic labels
What Is Covert Narcissism?
Covert narcissism is a type of narcissism where the patterns and traits are expressed inwardly rather than outwardly. Meaning unlike overt narcissism, where the patterns are externally abusive, domineering, and tyrannical, covert narcissism often presents as emotional sensitivity, insecurity, and a persistent sense of being misunderstood or mistreated.
People with these traits may see themselves as self‑sacrificing, unappreciated, or chronically burdened. They are often highly sensitive to criticism and may experience deep shame beneath the surface. Importantly, this pattern does not always look abusive. In fact, it is frequently confused with anxiety, depression, or emotional fragility.
Many of my adult women clients come in complaining of a similar pattern of behavior with their mothers. Their moms are: depressed, self-sacrificing, overly critical, have high expectations, give little support, and are highly emotionally fragile. These women feel confused because the behavior is not outwardly abusive, and yet it has deeply shaped their own emotional worlds. So what’s really happening here?
When Motherhood Is Organized Around Victimhood
In healthy parent-child relationships, the parent is responsible for providing emotional stability and support. In families shaped by covert narcissism, and the mother feels chronically victimized, this balance will subtly reverse.
A mother whose identity is rooted in victimhood may often feel overwhelmed, unappreciated, or emotionally depleted. She may speak frequently about how much she has suffered or sacrificed for her family. While she may still provide care, there is often an unspoken expectation that her emotional needs must be prioritized.
Over time, the child (especially a daughter) learns to be vigilant. She becomes skilled at noticing her mother’s moods, adjusting her behavior to avoid distress, and suppressing her own needs to keep the emotional peace. This is rarely demanded outright; it is learned through repeated emotional cues until so internalized that the daughter doesn’t know how to not walk on eggshells.
Why Daughters Are Especially Affected
Daughters are often more vulnerable to this dynamic because they are more likely to be unconsciously positioned as emotional extensions of their mothers rather than as separate individuals. This positioning is shaped by a convergence of psychological, relational, and gendered expectations that begin early and are rarely made explicit.
In many families, girls are socialized to be emotionally attuned, relationally sensitive, and accommodating. Cultural, societal, and sometimes religious norms reinforce the idea that girls should be nurturing, self‑sacrificing, and emotionally available. When a mother is organized around victimhood and emotional fragility, these expectations intensify and become personal.
On the surface my women clients will come into therapy saying that their relationship with their mother is “close”. It takes us time to parse through the differences between true intimacy and codependency. Underneath the “closeness”, there is often a lack of appropriate emotional boundaries. The daughter is not simply loved; she is needed. Her role becomes less about being known and more about being useful.
Rather than being supported in developing a separate identity, the daughter may be subtly recruited into roles such as:
Emotional confidant: hearing adult concerns, worries, or grievances that exceed a child’s emotional capacity
Comforter or supporter: soothing the mother’s distress, disappointment, or loneliness
Mood regulator: monitoring and adjusting behavior to prevent emotional fallout
Source of validation: reinforcing the mother’s sense of being good, unappreciated, or wronged
This is all unspoken, of course. It’s not that a mother is saying to her daughter that she can’t have her own life; it’s showing up through repeated emotional experiences in which the daughter’s attunement is rewarded with closeness, approval, or relief & her autonomy is met with withdrawal, guilt, or distress. This lack of externalization of the abuse is what makes it so difficult to talk about, call out, and make known in family dynamics.
Over time, the daughter learns that connection depends on emotional availability and loyalty, not differentiation. Independence does not feel neutral; it feels risky. Separation is experienced not as a normal developmental step, but as abandonment or betrayal.
This creates a conflict. The daughter is going to long for closeness while simultaneously feeling suffocated by it. This is where the long standing, internalized patterns will often often re‑emerge in adult relationships, long after the daughter has outgrown the original family context.
Common Psychological Wounds in Daughters
1. Difficulty Knowing Oneself
Because attention is consistently directed toward the mother’s emotional state, the daughter may struggle to identify her own feelings, preferences, or desires. As an adult, she may rely heavily on others’ reactions to decide what she wants or how she feels.
2. Chronic Guilt and Responsibility
Daughters raised in this dynamic often carry a persistent sense of guilt. Independence, assertiveness, or simply needing space can feel wrong or hurtful. Even healthy boundaries may trigger anxiety or self‑doubt.
3. Fear of Anger and Conflict
Anger toward a mother who presents as fragile or suffering can feel forbidden. As a result, anger may be suppressed, minimized, or turned inward. Conflict becomes something to avoid at all costs. Daughters may even find themselves feeling misplaced anger toward others’ in their life.
4. Repeating Caretaking Patterns in Adulthood
Many adult daughters find themselves in relationships where they are valued for their emotional labor. They may over‑give, over‑function, or choose partners and workplaces that replicate familiar dynamics of caretaking and self‑sacrifice.
Why This Is So Hard to Recognize
One of the most confusing aspects of this pattern is that it often includes genuine love and care. The mother may be involved, attentive, and deeply invested in her child’s life. There may be no clear incidents of abuse.
As a result, daughters often minimize their pain, telling themselves:
“Nothing terrible happened.”
“She tried her best.”
“I’m being unfair or ungrateful.”
This self‑doubt can persist well into adulthood and make it difficult to trust one’s own emotional experience.
Healing and Moving Forward
Differentiation. Differentiation is the ability to hold oneself as a separate adult with separate mental and emotional capacities, separate needs, separate thoughts, hopes, and beliefs. Many women come to me to understand whether they need to end their relationships with their mother. The long and short is that it may be required, it may not. The most important step in healing is learning to differentiate by acknowledging the impact of growing up in a relationship where emotional responsibility flowed in the wrong direction.
For many people, healing involves:
Learning to separate empathy from self‑sacrifice
Allowing others to experience disappointment without self‑abandonment
Reclaiming anger as a healthy emotional signal
Building boundaries that are not governed by guilt
Developing a sense of self that is not defined by usefulness or caretaking
Grief is also often part of this process.
If you would like to learn more about this topic, or speak more thoroughly please reach out to alana@therapywithab.com to learn more about my therapeutic offerings.